An Empty Cage

An empty cage…

I was sitting in the dressing room, back stage at the strip club, getting ready for my next set.

The night was still early, and all I could think of was going home. This felt like it was going to be one of those long nights.

From the looks of it, there were no signs of any real big tippers in the crowd just those who came in search of the minimal cover charge. I knew if I didn't make enough at the club I would have to take “calls” that night to make up for it; making this night even more excruciating. However, the possibility of being homeless was very real and not something I was going to do again!

Already, it was turning out to be another night of the same old song and dance, literally!

The other dancers played the same songs for their sets almost every night and frankly, I was tired of hearing it! Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion, and I had no idea if tonight would be worth the effort or just another night lost in time. It was always unpredictable.

One thing I could count on was what was waiting for me when I would finally get back home.

I had decided to get a pet, but just something that could be ok if I had to be away too long. I purchased two small beautiful snow-white doves. They were my only sense of “normalcy,” and my only comfort. I would let them out of their cage to fly around my room freely whenever I finally got home after working a long night.

I understood how it felt to be caged up.

Sometimes I would turn on the shower in the bathroom. To them, it sounded like a waterfall. I would watch them as they would listen and find the source of the sound of the running water. When they would discover it, they would stand under the water with their wings spread like they were standing under a waterfall, allowing the water to wash over and clean their beautiful white feathers.

I imagined they longed for the real thing …I shared their longing to be free.

I too wanted to be free from feeling trapped from my invisible cage.

I could relate to them not wanting to get out of the water.

I too knew the relief of standing in a shower for what seemed like hours, never feeling clean enough, wanting the water to wash it all off of me!

Those doves were with me for many years; they were the only thing that made me happy really.

It was life giving to me to be around something so beautiful and innocent.

It took incredible strength to survive a day in that lifestyle; it was a very traumatic experience.

I can now see how they were grounding me, bringing me back. In a sense

separating me from the madness that was my life, and making my hardened heart have “feeling” again.

Many years later, when I finally got away from “the industry,” I moved away from Hollywood to put some separation between my past and me. I wanted to disappear so no one could find me, use, or hurt me again. For a long time, I wanted to be invisible.

I ran to the desert where I felt safe. It was quieter, and I could be alone.

One day I was sitting looking at the birds and thinking about all I had survived in “the life,”

and how thankful I was to be free from it all. Suddenly it occurred to me… I was free but the

doves were still in captivity. They had kept me company all these years and in some way kept alive in me, the desire to be free.I picked up the 4ft white antique cage and carried them outside. Opening the door to the cage, I sat down on the ground beside to watch as I whispered, “Thank You, but now it’s your turn to be free!”

After a few minutes, they found the opening and flew out. One flew into my lap and looked at me as if she was thanking me; she cooed one last time and then took flight! I sat for a while crying, I’m sure the tears were about more than saying good bye to my feathered friends; it was the mourning of a life that had become so painfully scarred. I was not sure what was next for me.

I kept those empty cages that I had collected over the years for a long time. I left them around my house with the doors flung open as a reminder that yes, I was at once depressed and suffering, but at last, I was now free; and for that, I was thankful. It was also then that I knew that somewhere, somehow, those birds were thankful too.